Things you don't want to hear from tech support...

 In the mid-1990's my wife and I decided to buy a family computer, with internet and all that stuff. 

We had some software programs loaded with it. One of those programs was not working correctly, so I got on the phone with tech support for that program. 

After about 1.5 hours working with the stupid thing, the tech support guy asks me, do you have a window by you? I said yes. He asked if it was open. I said yes. He said, Would you please throw your computer out the window?  Don't remember if we ever got the program working.

'Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?'

'...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.'

'So... what are you wearing?'

'Duuuuuude! Bummer!'

'Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.'

'We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'

'In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'

'Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'

'Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.'

'Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'