Certified Water Technologist #63

Certified Water Technologist #63
Vern's Stories fredhorn37@gmail.com

Survivalist Fiction---The Old Man

From Frugal Squirrels.com 


The old man watched as the young men, looking warlike in their cammies, left to join their militia units. He had been too old to fight in the last war and did not even bother trying to join for this one. He envied the young, with their strong bodies, their enthusiasm and energy. Slowly he walked back to his small house. He lived alone now. His wife had died several years’ back and his children were too busy making money to bother to visit more than once or twice a year. The old man took off his “city” clothes and neatly folded them. Then he took out some well worn pants and shirt that were more suitable for the woods and indeed had spent many days and nights there. Last he put on his old field boots and was pleased with how they felt after not being worn for so long. On his belt he placed his hunting knife and canteen. Going to the closet he took out his rifle with loving hands. He removed the bolt and inspected the bore, knowing that it would be perfectly clean and shiny. Replacing the bolt he gathered the rounds from several boxes of his hand loaded ammunition and put them in his pockets. He checked the scope mounts to be sure they were tight and put his hat on his head. In a small rucksack he put several sandwiches, that he had previously made. Now he was ready. He left the house by the back door and walked across a neighbor’s field. He simply could not stand having the people of the town make jokes about him. They would yell out and ask if he was going off to the war, then they would laugh. He left by the back door. After walking for three hours at a steady, but not stressful pace, the old man found what he was looking for. The road crossed a narrow bridge about 500 yards from the forest at that point. It was this road that the militia had taken to engage the enemy and it was this road they planned to march back in triumph. In time the old man found a large oak tree that he could, with difficulty, climb. Tying his rifle to a long rope, he worked his was up the tree, until he found a decent place to sit. He could see the bridge clearly from his seat in the tree. He carefully drew his rifle into the tree and used a short section of rope to secure it to the tree, while he used another section to tie himself to the main trunk of the tree. He would hate to fall asleep and fall out of the tree. He slowly nibbled his lunch and took sips of his water. Once or twice he dosed off, but the rope held both him and his beloved rifle safely in the tree. The sound of far off gunfire jarred him awake. A few men in cammos came walking across the bridge. They did not march, but walked at a fast pace, occasionally glancing over their shoulders as they moved. The old man took out his knarled pipe and filled it. He took a match from his waterproof holder and struck it with his thumbnail and lit his pipe. As he smoked he watched the direction the smoke drifted and how fast it moved. Soon the knowledge of wind direction would be important. He also liked smoking his pipe. As he waited his mind wandered. He found himself thinking more of the past these days. He thought of his wife and the things they had done together. At times the memories seemed more real than the present. They had their little sayings that meant a great deal to them, but would mean little to others. Both having grown up watching “Disney”, they had often used words or phrases from their childhood. One such phrase was from the Davy Crocket Series. As Crocket’s friend was dying at the Alamo, he said to Davy Crocket “ Give them what for Davy”. From her deathbed, his wife had looked him in The Old Man, by Old Bear Courtesy of Preparedness Educational Services, Inc. Visit us at www.frugalsquirrels.com Page 2 the eye and said “ Give them what for Davy”. That was why an old man was sitting in a tree on a warm summer afternoon, instead of puttering in his garden and waiting to die, like a civilized gentleman. Now more men were coming across the bridge. Some were wounded, many had no weapons. It would not be too long now the old man thought. He untied his rifle from the tree and retied it so that if he dropped it, the rope would prevent it’s falling to the ground. The old man doubted that he had the strength to climb down and back up again. Now several vehicles were crossing the bridge. Many times they seemed to take little notice of the men struggling along on foot and the men had to either get out of the way or be run down. The old man loaded the magazine of his rifle. He emptied the ashes from his pipe, refilled it, but waited to light it. Now the sounds of fighting were much closer. A large number of men came down the road. Many did not even try to cross the congested bridge, but swam or waded across the stream to the other side. Several officers were trying to organize some resistance along the stream, with limited success. Some of the patriots were digging fighting holes near the stream, while others were dragging logs, rocks and anything else they could find to make barricades. The route of men became a trickle and then stopped. There was a time of quite, while the road remained empty. Then came the vehicles of the enemy, supported by large numbers of men on foot. The old man sighed. The young always expect things to he easy and glorious. To them war is a wonderful game. The old knew better. That is why they choose the young to be soldiers instead of the old, but choose the older to be generals. The old man now lit his pipe and took up his rifle. The fighting was fierce and brutal along the stream, but in the end the patriots, under cover of a rear guard, had to give ground. As the first of the enemy’s vehicles drove onto the bridge the old man’s rifle spoke and a hole appeared in the driver’s forehead. The vehicle swerved into the bridge railing and came up on two wheels before stopping. For now the bridge was blocked. Some men came up to try to move the vehicle, but as they reached the doors they died. The bullets that killed them came from a weapon that had been outdated for three wars. Other drivers died in their vehicles, until none would sit behind the wheels. It was of course only a matter of time before they enemy figured out where the old man was and once they did a hail of bullets cut leaves around him. Still he smoked his pipe, reloaded and fired his rifle. Suddenly a bullet hit the old man low in the abdomen. The pain and shock was so great that he almost dropped his rifle. He let the pipe fall from his mouth and clenched his teeth. “Give them what for Davy”. He muttered under his breath and drew the rifle to his shoulder again. Two more accurate rounds he fired that day and two more of the enemy died. Then the old man found that he was very tired and the rifle slipped from his hands to hang within easy reach on the rope. The old man found himself standing in a green field and his wife was there with him. They were no longer old, but stood in the splendor of their youth. He took her in his arms and she said “ Good job Davy” and they walked away together. The militia regrouped and with the aid of some of the National Guard was able to drive back the enemy advance. No one would ever know who the patriot that had held the bridge with such accurate sniper fire was and the town’s people assumed the old man had wandered off in the woods as The Old Man, by Old Bear Courtesy of Preparedness Educational Services, Inc. Visit us at www.frugalsquirrels.com Page 3 was his habit, and died there. The local sheriff, himself an ex-Marine, seeing the spotless dress uniform hanging the closet and the empty ammo boxes was not so sure. It did not matter. What mattered was that the old man had been in the right place and at the right time and done what he knew he had to do. He would not be lacking for brothers among the unsung heroes in heaven.

Auld Lang Syne - The Choral Scholars of University College Dublin

 Well, here we are at the last days of 2020 and the last hours of the last days. Miserable year, promises to be an even more miserable new year. Only time will tell.




On January 6, We Learn Whether Our Constitution Will Hold

 On January 6, We Learn Whether Our Constitution Will Hold

New Years Eve Jokes

 The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."



The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
This certainly explains congress.


Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."













Looks Like We've Got a Runner

Oh For Fucks Sake

 If you want to travel next year, you may need a vaccine passport


I am so goddamn tired of this bullshit. The whole goddamn country of what used to be free america has swallowed the bullshit.

I see videos of people without masks being refused service in a store. I have been on the receiving end of that in more than one store myself.

I have heard rumors about "vaccine passports" and some type of implant being placed into your body so you can travel freely throughout the land.

But wait, I thought the constitution guaranteed that? Not anymore. Our local conservative talk show host, good old ray appleton, even said today he thought it was a good idea for a vaccine passport. 

I mean jesus fucking christ, where have all the AMERICANS gone to? Are there just about 10 of us left in the US is all?

I can't explain how sad i am to be leaving this kind of bullshit for my children and grandchildren. But I am SO glad i will be dead in about 10 to 12 years and won't have to watch this shitshow longer than that.

A couple of Good Twitter Statements

A Hopefully Repaired Link to Twitter


Thank you to Irish who pointed out the link went to the wrong place. I think I have it fixed. 



If You Need to Clean Your Arteries, This Video Will make Your Blood Boil

 This Link will take you to Antz in Pantz where a restaurant owner is fighting back against the health dept with their bullshit corona violation crap.

See How Easy It Is to Shut This Country Down

 Just a dozen or so of these styles of events would shut this country down almost 100%.

Box truck playing evacuation message shuts down rural Tennessee road

FULLY AUTOMATIC 10/22 Rifle (with Red/Green Tracers)

 


Puzzling to Me

 I have said before that i am in something called Nextdoor. When someone in the group posts something, i get an email.

This morning i got an email that someone was complaing about the raiders secondary not being very good.  I don't know what a secondary is, but i went to the post and read it. 

These posts are from people in my area here in this rural community i live in. And these people out here are mostly pro America i believe.

So i was frankly surprised at this post, so i made a comment. I asked Why are you still watching football? I didn't say anything about kneeling or the prothug bent of most football players.

Anyway, not one person has answered that question, they are all saying how good a game it was. Makes me wonder how long America has left.


This is a Funny Story

 I read this funny story over at Wilders about bb gun and a bear.

Neighborhood Lights

 Myself and Woman of the House drove around our neighborhood tonight looking at Christmas lights on the houses. 

I was kind of surprised. In my immediate neighborhood there are twice as many decorated houses as in years past. About a mile west in the slightly higher value houses, where they typically have about a 90% decoration value, only about 10% of the houses were decorated. And that surprised me. 

In the 12 years i have lived in this small rural community, that has never happened. 

Anyway, I took a few pics. The house that says USA is my neighbor directly across the street to the west of me.

A circumstance with my phone is a little bit funny. I shake pretty badly in my hands and while taking the pictures, my phone would put up this snarky little message. It said simply, HOLD STILL. 








 


A Funny for You From My Wife

 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.


★♫.•Pass it on!! Give someone else a reason to smile. ♫★



Pre Christmas Funnies

 Some media outlets produce twice as much crap as normal. Especially when they're biassed.


Friend: "What are you going to give your mother-in-law for Christmas?"
Me: "Her son back!"


A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"



Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."














 







Who Knows What This Means

 White House Tells Trump Staff to STOP Packing Up: “Updated information will be shared in the coming days”

Potential Spam

 Does anyone else out there get this on your cell phone? Calls labeled as Potential Spam or Spam Risk or something of that nature?

I received a call this morning labeled Potential Spam. I went ahead and answered it because I am in sales and it could possibly be a potential client.

The guy on the other end was fluent in English, but he did have something of a foreign accent. And he was asking all types of leading questions, it sounded like he desperately wanted me to answer yes to Something! But I kept evading a yes answer.

He told me he was from a pain relief medical center and he wanted me to say he could send me something, i kept interrupting him so i never understood what. 

The really troubling part of this whole episode is that he knew my full name, my full home address, and my date of birth. He said he got that info from my medical care provider. How the hell did he do that? Hack into their system? 

Anyway, i told him we were ending the call and he hung up in a huff.

Any of you have this happen before?

How to fix Christmas lights--Non LED Bulbs

Avoid Green Gorilla Root Juice

 Never heard of this product or its  ingredients, so i believe i will adhere to their advice. Has anyone heard of this stuff?

FDA advises consumers to not drink Green Gorilla Root Juice

 


GB3 to reopen all Fresno, Clovis gyms despite regional stay-at-home order

 GB3 to reopen all Fresno, Clovis gyms despite regional stay-at-home order

I Had to Force Myself Not to Stir Up Trouble

 There is something called Nextdoor that i got enrolled in a few years back. It is a place online where people can go make comments, and bitch about things the neighbors are doing. The posts go to my email so i can pick and choose which i want to read or delete.

Todays entry was someone who is complaining about people who place items in their yard and place a free sign on them to get rid of them. Saying how that brings property values down. I disagree with that, but i am a cantankerous old asshat anyway.

One of the entries was complaining about "rotting old appliances" being left in driveways, or on the side of your house. So i said that i have never seen any old rotting appliances anywhere here where we live. 

A lady responded to me by saying, "I see mattresses."

I had to physically restrain myself from the keyboard. I wanted to type out, "I see Dead People" in my best Bruce Willis keyboard style.

Transferred to Alaska

 Quite a number of years ago, when i was fresh out of the navy and had just gone to work for a boiler repair company, I was helper to one of the mechanics. His name is John. 

He told me a story once about his father. He and his father were out and about in the woods one day,  not hunting, just dinking around.  John was a preteen kid, with about a thousand questions.

He told me he asked his dad, What do we do if we  meet a bear and he chases us? The dad said simply, throw shit at him. What? Where will i get shit to do that? His dad said, don't worry son, you will have plenty of it.

Now fortunately, in the few times i have been in the woods, i have never encountered a bear, but i have no doubt that is exactly what would happen.

I mention this because my grandson just yesterday got transferred to the army base in anchorage alaska, and i am quite certain at his earliest opportunity to do so, he is going to scurry into the woods. And i am going to give him some very sage advice, Just throw shit at em!

What Are We Offended by Today??

 



90 Miles From Tyranny has a post up about some idiots who happen to be deaf getting all pissy about a series called The Stand. How stupid can you get? What they are upset about is the fact that an actor, who happens to NOT BE DEAF, is portraying a DEAF person in the series. What part of ACTING do these idiots not get?

I mean jfc, why can't people just BE normal people for a change and not get butthurt over some insignificant bullshit.

The whole goddamn country is full of assholes like this, and I for one have grown thoroughly sick of their whiny little bullshit.



The Left Hates White People and Christians(But Only White Christians)

 The left in this country is systematically encouraging hatred for white people and white christians. They do not want so called minorities to be equal, they want them to be superior.

Democratic memo declares 'rise of white Christian nationalism is a national security threat'

What a Bunch of Happy Horseshit This Is

 I don't know why, but it appears the whole country is trying, on a daily basis, to outdo each other when it comes to "Woke". Which i guess is their new way to spell wookie.

Professor: The Votes Of Black Americans Should Count Twice

Christmas Lights

 Christmas Lights. Jesus Christ, do i have a crap ton of those. But none of them work. None of them are the correct ones.

Couple years ago we decided to purchase LED outside mini icicle lights in multicolor to replace the clear sets of regular lights we have had for many many years. Not difficult to place on the house and they look pretty good if i do say so myself.

But about 3 days ago i noticed about a 3 foot section of the LED lights above the garage were out. Huh? I thought LED lights didn't go bad?

So i scoured the internet to figure out how to fix the doggone things. I found a tool called LED Keeper and I found one at a hardware store in Fresno. Bought it and viewed the instruction video on you tube. Today i took the lights down and used this tool, with some skepticism i will add, and i be doggone if i wasn't able to find a bad bulb, and replace it and now the lights work just fine. Problem with the bulb is one of the wire leads had broken off for some reason. 

Anyway, if you have LED lights, i recommend this tool.

Christmas Oldies

Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree Lyrics

 





Evening Joke----And I'm Not Talking About My Paycheck

 On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

The First Few Seconds of this Commercial is How government is treating Citizens. The last Half is how they think we should react.

Best 3/8 Cordless Ratchet? Milwaukee M12 vs Makita, Earthquake & ProStor...

This is True

 


This Effer Got His Vaccine All Right----I got a bridge I would like to sell you.

Watch this guy get his vaccination with an empty syringe.

Cowards

Witness: Supreme Court Justices Fought Loudly Over Whether To Hear Texas Case, Were Scared It Would Cause Riots… 

Capitalism at Work

 The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read "Best Deals".

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "Lowest Prices".
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... "Main Entrance".


A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."


 








From the Stuff You Have Never Thought About Category----How the US military trains female pilots to relieve themselves during lo...

A Tumbleweed Christmas

 



The Time is Now

 The time is now, or never. If there are patriots in this town they should round up these 2 inspectors and hang them both from lightpoles.


“Are You Going to Pay My Rent?!” SoCal Restaurant Owner Argues with Brown Shirt ‘Health Inspectors’ Issuing Him Citation For Staying Open (VIDEO)

They Want TOTAL Control of You and Your Life

 “We don’t know if vaccination prevents serious illness or does it also prevent you from getting infection entirely?”

The “out-of-control pandemic” Gupta is referring to has a 99.9998% survival rate for most people.

MSNBC’s Dr. Gupta: Just Because You Get Vaccinated Doesn’t Mean You Should be Traveling or That You’re Liberated From Masks (VIDEO)

 





Wiith Apologies to Blondes Everywhere

Blonde and Psychiatrist
A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are

complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next

best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my

zip code keeps

changing."


Todays Funny

 A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone allout..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the partystarted, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for thebums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they willhelp chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rearof the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having awonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, theclown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and wouldprobably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain thechildren herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of thebums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung fromtree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing isabsolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think yourfriend would consider repeating this performance for the children at theparty? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"


What If??

 I am more than a little confused. I have read other blogs where they talk about electors. 

Looks like at least 2 of the states have both left and right electors voting for president and sending them to the senate.

Okay which set of votes gets counted?

Apparently Vice President Pence is in charge of counting the votes? Apparently he can SELECT which set of votes to count? Is that true?

Can you imagine the GIGANTIC HUMONGOUS BUTTHURT the left will come up with if that were to happen?

Oh Lord there wouldn't be enough popcorn anywhere to watch that circus!!!

Fightin Back

 

I'm In For This

 


Kroger is Sued for $80 Million for Hand Sanitizer

 Lawsuit: Kroger accused of reneging on $85M hand sanitizer order

What a Nightmare This Is

What a night mare this is. Go read this about this constitutional crisis over at The Feral Irishman

Country Music Legend Charley Pride Has Died

 Country music star Charley Pride has died at age 86. Apparently it was from covid 19 complications.

Uh huh. 86 and covid.

Anyway, i had a chance to go see him sing in the late 1960's and i said screw that. Wish i had gone because in later years i thoroughly enjoyed his music. 

The time i could have gone to see him, he was appearing at Lockney elementary school, i believe in the cafeteria but i am not certain of that. My mom and one of my sisters went and had a good time.

Country Music Legend Charley Pride Dies Of Complications From Covid-19

Seems Obvious the Police Side with the Assholes

 Police Side with Assholes

F*** Joe Biden

 

Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open

17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from


My name is Joe Biden and...I forget this message.


Joe Biden Singing the Alphabet\

Joe: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,"

"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P,"
\*pauses\*
"I don't remember the rest,"
"Nor can I sing,"
"That doesn't matter,"
You know the thing."


What do you call it when President Obama and Joe Biden talk shop over a nice dinner?
A government man-date.
Boom. I'll be here all night.


Panhandling Strategy

 Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”