A Groaner for Tuesday

 Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, Bill decided to solve both of his problems. He took out a large insurance policy on his wife, making himself the beneficiary, and then hired an underworld figure to kill her. The killer, let’s call him “Artie,” explained that his price was $5,000. Bill said he was more than happy to pay that much but he would have to use the money from his wife’s insurance policy. Artie insisted on a down payment in cash, so Bill opened his wallet and showed Artie the single, lonely dollar bill inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the down payment. Artie followed Bill’s wife to the local grocery, surprised her in the produce department and strangled her. As she slumped to the floor, the produce manager happened upon the scene. Not wanting to leave a witness, Artie had no choice but to strangle him too. But the entire proceeding was captured on video by the store’s security system, the police were summoned, and Artie was arrested leaving the building. Questioned by the police, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless Bill. Which is why, the next day’s newspaper headline declared, “Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Safeway!”